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Victim of Adversity

Laugh with me! That's what I did when I heard this term.

Victim of Adversity. Huh!

So here's how it went down.

A few weeks ago, I was on the phone with our Child Psychologist.

Yes, please note the "our"... because I'd claim her as my own if I could. Unfortunately, she's a grown woman with her own life, so I only get her in one hour increments every few weeks. I have to share.

Regardless, she is ours in that she works with our kids. And while I disliked her greatly a year and a half ago, I am so grateful for the help and insight she now provides.

And I like that she has a bit of a twisted, sarcastic bent, because that is a personality trait (if we can call it that) that I relate to and understand.

So, I was fully under the impression that she was being sarcastic when she mentioned that my child was a Victim of Adversity.

I laughed out loud, Hard. I thought, "No DUH!" That's the best way to describe his tantrums at any small trouble he encountered.

Dr. R told me not to laugh. She said it's not a funny thing. It's real.

So, essentially, my little 11 year old boy, has a brain that emits a trauma response every time he faces adversity. From the loss of a shoe to a dinner he doesn't like to the death of a loved one.... his brain is wired for trauma.

I'm not laughing any more. I'm baffled.

My brain is having a hard time understanding the how's and why's of this. And further, my brain is having a really hard time thinking about how to parent this.

We've known for a long time now that K struggles with trauma and PTSD on top of his ADHD and ODD... but to have basically zero resilience at all. That is a whole different level of.... I'm not even sure what it is.

My mind has been working overtime these last few weeks. K has been spending time at his Grandparents place because frankly, we all needed a rest from each other. And with the quiet that comes during a rest period, I am reaching for answers.

And I don't know what to say to my kid or how to respond. Because life is hard. I think that's just a basic fact.

I think there are people who will try to sell you the idea that life is easy. When you reach the next pay increase... life will be easier. When you lose the weight... life will be easier. When your kids are grown... life will be easier.

But then there's the extra work that comes with the extra pay; the extra hours at your desk. There's the hip and knee issues that derail your running program. The kids that end up back in your home when their lives fall apart.

There is no easy. Not even if we all loved each other, would things get easier. More pleasant maybe, but not easier.

Because even genuine love isn't easy. Even love takes hard work. You have to notice people, learn their needs, put yourself aside. And I'd say that's what makes it sweeter... when we put in the work and receive the gift.

Loving my kid is hard. And answers are not readily available. And I'm trying to find the good lesson that comes with this new "diagnosis" information. But I can't really.

My gut says, " Suck it up, Buttercup. Life is hard". But those words would cause my kid a lot of trauma... not to mention it's kind of rude.

So my answer for now is, love. It may still be on the list of hard things, but it's the best option we've got.

Love...and maybe asking my child psychologist to move in with us.


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Nancy Wandler
Nancy Wandler
Jul 19, 2021

Wow Becky. That K feels trauma over everything that is an adversity. I am trying to just even imagine for one moment what he feels like. Keep us informed if there is anything we can help with. My love to the six of you! Extra hug for K!!


Alice Muntjewerff
Alice Muntjewerff
Jul 19, 2021

I have had depression all my life. I have been afraid all my life. My father tried to understand. I was afraid of losing my parents, I was afraid of school, I was afraid of tomorrow, and the future. I say I was but I still am. My mother thinks (thought) that I have Attention Deficit Disorder because I get distracted constantly. I ended up finally on medication when I was in my 30's. It took away the extreme emotions. The three things that helped me were hugs. The steady beat of my parents heart and their breathing relaxed me. Second, conversation, talking things through with them, to plan what to do when things that I thought would happen…


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