The song played on repeat.
The tears not cried.
The words never written.
The grief sitting right below the surface.
The sleep interrupted.
The thoughts never settled.
The body not whole.
The life turned upside down from the words of a stranger.
It is nearly impossible right now to get my mind wrapped around what is so. As I packed for Koen’s trip to Children’s hospital, I felt relief. Joy. Some excitement around exploring Vancouver, visiting the Lindt store and meeting old friends…and finally connecting in person with the professionals we’d been meeting with online for the last two months.
And now, a week into our foray at Children’s psychiatry, I feel deflated and full of sorrow.
This is not what I’d imagined.
The Lindt store… it was amazing…. everything I imagined and more. I’m already planning a second trip there before we head back home because, well, chocolate. It’s pretty vital.
And even the unknown schedule, the lack of privacy and the not touring Vancouver because of my severely anxious child. Those things are all fine.
I’ve enjoyed the staff at the hospital and felt a deep sense of care from them.
But with all of these highs, one particular low has knocked me sideways.
I miss my boys.
I miss my family being together.
It feels totally wrong to be doing this apart from each other. As much as we often struggle to be together, having adopted our motto of embracing adventure together means that supporting each other is a family value. And it sure is hard to support each other from a distance.
This family has a lot of issues. We are generally a hot mess. And while people often like to remind me that what we’re living through is “not normal”, we understand that for this time, this is our normal.
So, for better or worse, there is comfort in being together in our hot mess of a life.
We may not sleep well ever. We may have broken bodies. We may hold grief in both hands. We may have a lot of strangers in our lives, giving medical advice and keeping our thoughts healthy. We may play very loud music on repeat to feel all the music-induced feels.
We may be messy, we may fight, we may hurt and cry.
But, we are together. We are in this together.
And I can’t wait to see all my boys again.